Mommy

     Today I go visit Mom.  This is a new Mom.  This Mom overtook my other Mom 11/08.
     Thanksgiving day, to be exact, and we were all there watching it and had no idea.  She was having a stroke--all day--and we didn't see it.  She was way off balance.  Not unusual, she had vertigo.  She was more on edge than I was used to seeing.  But, her small apartment was filled with people, she was trying to get food on the table and keep the conversation moving.  I get a bit snappy in that situation as well.  That night she fell.  She hasn't lived in her cute little apartment since.
     The woman I saw that weekend could not speak.  She could not move her right side.  She could not sense the need to use the bathroom.  Her eyes spoke in loud voices, "I am trying to talk to you!", but I heard nothing.  It was called Apraxia, we were told.  Doctors didn't know how much of her brain was damaged.  Time.  They would know in time.  They did know that she'd suffered a large stroke, caused by years of high blood pressure, and most recently, Diabetes.  
     Some time passed, perhaps six weeks, and she was transferred to Galena Hospital.  At least in Galena it was closer for my sister-sans vehicle-to visit.  Janet has been relentless is making sure Mom feels loved, and being a watchdog in her treatment by staff.  She has a knack for care giving.  It is exhausting for her, as she suffers with the same ailments I do, plus a few, but she soldiers on.  My family is blessed to have her.
     It was only a week or two when my stepdad, Nubs, walked into her room and she said, "Hi!"  He wept.  You'd have to know Nubs, but he has a robust way of talking, always cheerful, always happy to see you.  So when he responded, "There's my sweetie!", you can bet the rest of the floor heard it!  
     Since that time, she has been transferred to the Galena Nursing Home, where she now lives.  She can talk, although at times she can't come up with a common word for something.  If she is very tired, she may not be able to comprehend what you're saying if you chatter on about too many things.  She has fair use of her right arm and hand.  She is able to move her right foot some.  She can not walk.  Oh, for short distances she could walk with a walker, but her foot turns in and trips her up.  So, she is in a wheelchair.  She can not toilet without help, which is what keeps her in nursing.  
     But, what has been hardest, at least for me, is the new personality.  Mom was always a "smile, just smile, and no one will know how awful I feel", kind of person.  She, of course, still smiles, but only between periods of rage, depression and frustration.  Things that she used to bite her tongue about now agitate her to no end.  I've been fairly luck in my visits in that her agitated periods are pretty minor and short lived.  Janet, who visits five days a week, sees the New Mom all of the time.  And, I know she resents, even if she doesn't know or admit it, that I don't visit more.
     I live an hour away.  My cute little SUV is slowly falling apart.  At twelve years of age, and with all original parts, it has done well.  But, as all things do, it is losing the age battle.  Tires have worn through.  Tailpipe rusted off.  Then there was this roaring sound halfway to Galena on Mother's Day.  Actually, a bit comical when you see that little thing roaring like Indy.  Gaskets, I believe.  I can't afford to get it fixed, so any long trip, and by long I mean 10 miles, makes me nervous.  The trip to Galena terrifies me.  So, I only visit one, MAYbe two times a month.  I depended on updates from Janet, which she couldn't afford.  Ah, the joy of Facebook!  She was finally hooked up to cyberspace and can now update me online.  Nevertheless, I feel guilty nearly everyday that I don't visit like Janet does.
     I lied.  What has been THE hardest has been not having my friend to talk to.  Just pick up the phone because something happened to some celebrity, or that Nick had a good run in football.  If I called, she'd answer, "It's you!", if she called me, she'd say "It's you!!"  Just a goofy running joke.  Yesterday she called to double check my visit today, and in her weak, old lady voice said, "It's you!".  I was grinning from ear to ear.  Of course my answer was, "It's me! Is that you?"  She chuckled.  When I visit, she wants to hear my life stories, sadly, there aren't many, but even the simplest entertain her. 
     So, today I visit my New Mom.  I wish I'd told her earlier on in life how much i appreciated her sense of humor, her love of nature, music and movies.  I wish it hadn't taken my Dad's death in '01 to realize how quickly things can change, and to say "I love you"--and mean it--more.  I loved my first Mom and I love New Mom, but now she is like a child, so the love is different.  I know she loves me.  It radiates from her.  How precious and ever changing Love is!
     Today, tell someone you love them.  Surprise someone you've not said it to, but meant to.  Don't always expect to hear it back.  Not everyone is comfortable saying it, but everyone feels it.  Everyone.
     I love you!