It's a beautiful day in Northwest Illinois today. It is March 14, and the temperature is to be 80 degrees! Sunshine, birds chirping, children outside playing. I have thanked God for such a fabulous day!
I feel miserable. Numb, or sad--I'm not sure. And I feel guilty as hell. How dare I feel this miserable on a record-breaking temperature day. Do I appreciate nothing?!?
The thing is, I do appreciated it all! How amazing is the world!? I just don't feel it. At all. I want to sleep. Not unusual because of the Fibro and the Chronic Fatigue, but this is different. There are things that need to get done. I look at them, hate them, then don't do them. Two floors need scrubbing, entertainment center needs dusting, legs need shaving. Not getting done. I do the laundry. Simply because my son's school has a dress code. And more guilt.
When my son is home I am attentive, joking, always making sure the depression mask is covered by the LOL mask. And at some point, that wears me down, and the very thing I was trying to hide from him spills out all over. He hates when I cry. I think he feels helpless, or that it's his fault. Of course, most of the time it is not.
I've been taking anti-depressants of various types for 26 years. In 2002, or so, I happened upon a psychopharmacologist, and together we tried various combinations to try to conquer my various ailments. It took about 8 years to find a winner for my depression/anxiety. And, as it turns out, it also helps with the Fibromyalgia pain. But night time was a bigger challenge. I have Bi-Polar II, and my main mania symptom is mega racing thoughts at nights. We found one med that worked beautifully, but as the dose increased, so did my weight. We decided to try different combinations that mimicked what the previous had done. After months and months, we ended up back at square one, but a lower dose, coupled with something else. So far, so good.
So what is going on?? I am alone, couple-wise. But, generally I enjoy my own company. I had surgery six weeks ago on my shoulder, and am finally at the "toss the sling" stage, and moving well. There is always pain in the healing, but why should that bother me? I live with pain every day. My budget is slowly becoming manageable, with a couple of exceptions. We're coming up on a dry stretch financially simply due to the space between pays, but I've been down that road before. Nothing is different that at any other time when I am feeling like a stoned hippie, wishing peace and goodness to all. Except, I'm not feeling the peace or the goodness. And to make me feel even more guilty, I am administrator of two support Facebook pages that encourage positive thinking. How hypocritical of me to post puppies and butterflies when I feel like dung and maggots? AAAaaaarrrgghh!!
The answer is, I guess, remember this is a phase. God is always with me. He has brought me through some horrible times, and I am the stronger for it. I will put the wet laundry into the dryer. I will create more support posts and give other struggling people a lift or a giggle. I may even vacuum.
After I take another nap.................. or a giggle. I may even vacuum.
After I take another nap........
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