Today I am grateful that it is not so windy and the sky is blue, but I observe it alone. This pains me and satisfies me at the same time. I am in a strange flux in my life. Glad to be my own person, but not so keen of the lack of companionship. I've vowed time and time again that I will never answer to anyone but myself again. But it would nice if someone smiled because I was here waiting for them. I'm alone, but not always lonely. But, today, it's like that. Very lonely. Very teary. And not able to let the tears out because my son hates it when I cry.
He doesn't know what to do with tears, how to help, so he gets angry. My Dad was the same way. So, I float. Treading months of built up tears. Mom always said I had nothing to be depressed about; others have it much worse. To this day I refuse to say that to anyone. Although, it's true so many people are worse off than I, my pain is MY pain to endure. So, it's like that. Tears to cry, not in public, because I don't deserve to be depressed. But today, I am sad.
Sad that I can't be telling this to someone while they hold me and even pretend to care. Sad that this past four years have been so hard on my son, and I can't make things all better for him. Being a teenager is hard enough without the things he's been forced to experience. And I'm sad that I can't scrape for enough money to buy him the things he wants. And that sometimes I do, at the expense of the gas or water bill. Then fret about how to pay them...yep, it's like that.
I've become too comfortable in my little apartment. After several years of not socializing due to money shortages, I now find myself dreading having to go anywhere. I'm not at agoraphobic yet, but it is serious enough that my son encourages me to get out. No, not so he can be home alone with the guys--some weekends he is with his Dad--but even at 15 he knows that no one should be so isolated. So...it's like that, too.
And, it's fearing that with my long laundry list of ailments, and depending on disability for income, no man on Earth will be interested enough--if I ever do leave the apartment---to get past that garbage and accept me for what I know I am. Funny, intelligent, kind and creative, with a bit of kooky thrown in. Cause it's not what they want to put up with, or even believe I suffer...cause it's been like that, too.
So, now it's like this. I dry my eyes, and smile when my son comes in the door with tales of fish caught in our local creek, while goofing off with his buddies. He has so many great friends. Good guys. And I'm proud of his decisions on who to hang out with. He's not perfect, and at times we don't talk for the entire day....but, he's a teenager...and.... they're like that.
Dear and precious, Friend (I've forgotten what your real name is)
ReplyDeleteSending hugs, kisses on the cheek and shared tears.
Your words have encouraged me in the past. You are strong . . . you push through to focus on the good . . . to cherish who you are . . .
At the same time you have accepted the lie that you have no reason to be depressed, which means you feel shame when you are.
Precious, fellow human . . . feelings aren't based on "shoulds", they just are.
By whose measuring stick would you determine who qualifies for depression and who doesn't? I said a similar thing to a therapist a while back . . . he asked, "just because someone else has two broken legs, and you only have one, are you not allowed to also feel pain?"
A book that has helped me immensely is The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
To love ourselves, we must love ALL of ourselves. Even the parts we grew up hiding in the shadows because we were taught they were unacceptable. The book might help you.
I've spent much of my life in self loathing. I was never good enough. I had no reason to be unhappy, so I loathed myself more . . .
There are no rules. we are what we are. we are who we are. we feel what we feel.
To desire love . . . to desire a live, warm person who is kind and comforting . . . we are built to desire this . . . we flourish if we have this, we struggle when we do not.
I must go now, but please know that you are loved . . . even though from a distance. I wish I could sit with you and listen . . . or let you just cry.
You "deserve" to feel pain in your situation, because anyone would.
Yes, you can learn to be happy and content much of the time . . . probably . . . when your body is weak, it's that much harder to be strong emotionally. really, really, really hard.
that's the truth. Be gentle with yourself.
Tears are made for crying. they actually release a chemical that builds up in your body . . . that's why you often feel better after you cry.
listen to your body. listen to your soul. Remember that Love is always there . . . that, in the end, all will be okay. meanwhile, allow yourself to be a perfectly imperfect human like the rest of us. That's what I'm working on.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO