Cross My Heart

     As I sit here typing, I am in pain.  It's because he is in pain.  He is disappointed with a change in today's plans, and he is angry and hurt and disappointed.  This tears me up inside, and tears roll down my face.  As he lashes out, I hear the honesty of how he really feels about our situation.  And I swear, I'm doing the best I can.
     I don't go shopping for the sake of shopping.  I don't go out anymore, to save money.  I stopped buying some things on my grocery list that were costly and unnecessary.  Any extra cash goes to him.  For school activites, hanging out, and allowance.  I think of him first even when buying cereal.
     Today he is hurting and doesn't want to live here anymore.  He's tired of living in a rental, where things are older and fall apart.  He's sick of me.  He doesn't want me here.  I love him more than my own life.  His heart hurts, and as if he were still within me, so does mine.  I'm not sure how to help him.
    When he hurts like this, he falls back on how the past two years have treated him.  Divorce, loss of three loved ones, not including his favorite dog, Mercury.  Truly, he has mourned more in a short period of time than most others his age.  I wish we could heal those hurts.  How can I help him heal?
Just loving him doesn't seem nearly enough.  Especially when he won't let me show him.  I want to embrace him tightly and tell him it won't always be this way.  It's only been two years.  But, he pulls back when I try to hug.  I know it's his age, and being a boy.  And resentment. 
    I want so much for him to be able to see the positive things peeking through the disappointment.  His multitude of friends.  His love of football--that 80yd TD run.  How much he is loved--by four families!  Having the best "step" family, and how lucky he is that it is that way, rather than the more common conflicts.
     I am sorry, bud, that today fell through.  I'm sorry that you come home to just me.  I'm sorry that everything doesn't go as smoothly as you want.  But, I swear to you, I am doing the best I can and loving you more with every second of every day.  God loves you too.  No matter what you do, no matter how angry you feel, no matter how "unloveable" you may thing you are...He loves you! 
     Just like I do.  Unconditionally...forever.  Cross my heart.