A Day Lived Through Webster

     So many thoughts today.  They're just jumping everywhere, so this entry will be a potpourri of emotions.
     Lonely: Being without companion.  This, although I swore it wouldn't after my divorce, is shadowing my days.  No, I will not remarry.  But, to have someone care about me, and want to be with me, because I am me, does leave my heart sort of achey breaky.  I want to be someone's number one, not their number two, or when no one else is home. That's what I have been up until this day.  Good enough until something better comes along. And why have I let this be the case?  The obvious answer is that I don't put myself first or feel that I am worthy of first.  That was the case, many times.  I played second fiddle to a ghost for many years.  It seemed noble.  There is nothing noble about it.  I was as lonely then as I am now.
     And then my son was born.  I was his number one.  He looked at me in a way that only a handful of people in my entire life ever looked at me.  Even today, though his Dad is his best buddy, I know that I am still his number one.  His description of what he will do to any man that hurts me, sort of gives it away.  It is a wonderful feeling.
     Compassion: Sympathetic feeling.  Empathy: The experiencing as one's own, the feelings of another.  Sympathy: A relationship between persons wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other.  Sorry: Feeling sorrow, regret or penitence.  Gracious: Marked by kindness and courtesy.  Heartbreak: Crushing grief.  These words have been in my head for awhile. They've applied to several situations.
     One situation makes my heart ache relentlessly.  One makes it soar with joy.  One makes me very sad and guilty.  One makes me angry due to lack of it.  In order to crawl out of  Heartbreak, I try to concentrate on Gracious.  To deal with Sorry, I have to face Heartbreak.  The cousins Compassion and Sympathy, lead me back to Sorry. 
     On my luckiest days I catch a glimpse of Empathy and Gracious.  Sadly, Empathy is a rare commodity. But, Gracious....only lately....has been more present, more often.  I do use Gracious to get through the Heartbreak. Gracious also soothes Sorry.  Gracious eases my Guilt: The feeling of responsiblity for wrongdoing. Thank You, Gracious. For your Compassion and Empathy.  It is with Grace: Honor, that I accept your existence, and move through my days.