NEW VENTURES

     A situation I was in this past weekend, left me perplexed, sad, and frustrated.
     I made a bold plan to "go out."  A real night out, after 8:00pm until possibly 11:00!  After six months of staying  in, away from folks, I was mildly excited.  When it came time to begin the "going out" routine, I filled the tub with bubbles, grabbed a beer and stepped into the relaxing waters.  For some time I just soaked, eyes closed, and contemplated how fun the night would be.  A DJ would be playing the tunes, and I love DJ as opposed to bands. If I soaked long enough, perhaps I would dance!  I then took care of the beautifying needed (never nicked that area before), and did my whale dance to get out of the tub.  
     Standing in front of the mirror solidified my suspicions that I'd gained at least ten pounds back and I damned Blue Bunny Birthday Cake Ice Cream.  How to do my hair, how much make up to wear, perfume, or not?  Oh, and jewelry.  God, are my ears still pierced?  Clothes had been chosen earlier in the day, so I had that going for me.  All was done in 45 minutes.  That does make me chuckle because in my hopelessly insecure days it took two hours.
     I said a prayer for protection before I opened the door, then headed to the truck.  It was dark.  I was going out after dark!  After the goosebumps passed, I was on my way.  My destination was a short drive, no more than five minutes, but it was out of town.  What an adventure.  Upon entering the property, I searched, without luck for a close parking place, then without warning threw caution to the wind and chose one at least ten cars from the door.  Over gravel.  With a balance problem.  And mud.  How awesome was I?
     I'd made my first trip to this cozy clubhouse two weeks prior, around 5 o'clock.  The owners were a sweet young couple, very friendly.  The bartender was fun, as well, and I felt quite welcome.  Of course, I was the only patron at the time so I think they were obligated to include me in all conversations.  At any rate, I liked the place.  Alot.  After hearing that one of the owners would be having a birthday in two weeks, I decided to plan to be there.  And I was.  Upon entering, I immediately looked for a seat, found one, and wished the birthday girl a "Happy Birthday".  I then noticed an old friend at the end of the bar, and gave a short wave.  It was mildly busy.  The music was great.  I bobbled to the music like a back window dog and sipped my favorite beer.  One hour went by, and no one approached me to talk, although I knew several people.  After the second hour I realized that one friend--someone I loved very much--was deliberately avoiding me.  The crowd didn't increase from mildly busy and it occurred to me that I didn't belong.  Even among people I knew.  I would have expected a man to ignore me, even though he knew me...they usually do.  But this was someone I'd considered a girlfriend, regardless of our age difference.  My heart hurt.  She'd been influenced by another presence there, and it broke my heart.  For some reason, I sat up very straight and sipped my beer until it was gone.  I left my seat, straightened my pants and walked out the door.
     I was ready to go home and cry when I decided I'd stop in at the old stomping ground. I entered into a wave of "hi" and "how ya doin?".  I talked to four or five people, had one beer, and left.  It wasn't me.  I was still the same likable gal. It was "them."  Up on the hill, looking down on the little town that gives them unwaivering business, particularly "in-season"  And it was how easily a young person can be influenced-- to the point of looking right through you after once licking your storm door.
     All in all, I came home very sad.  Reassured, yes, that I wasn't an oddball--well relatively speaking--but sad that a night out had turned into a regret.  Only one thing is worse than being alone and feeling lonely...being in a room full of people and feeling that way.