When Best Isn't Good Enough

     I must have been raised differently.  Or maybe I don't remember, but I don't think that's it.
     One dollar is one dollar.  In the shape of a bill, four quarter, or two quarter and five dimes--it all equals a dollar.  So, when my son came to me for a dollar to go the the BB game, why did he give it back and say he just wouldn't go to the game?  And why do I feel like I'll never be good enough for him...or anyone?
     My income comes mostly from disability, the horrid category I am put into due to the many illnesses I have.  Let it be noted that to get disability "status" you go through a vigorous questioning, get turned down a few times (just to weed out the fakers), and even may have to see the State psychologist.  This income pays the majority of my bills.  A bit of child support and alimony pays for the small stuff.  But, there is never quite enough to pay for the extra things.  Sporting events, sport gear, school lunches, xBox points, iTunes, school dances, etc, etc...
     I have mentioned before that to save money I don't go out to bars, or to dinner, or to the movies...or anywhere but the grocery store, the doctor, and to see my Mom.  And one thing has become painfully clear to me.  Human touch is an absolute necessity in life.  I am at the point where I ache for a hug.  And I don't care how much it hurts.  I like it when the nurse takes my pulse because she is touching my skin.  I like when the cashier counts my money back because she brushes my hand.  My son is not a hugger.  Any time that he has, I have let it absorb into every pore on my body because I know it will be a long time until the next one.  It's ironic, though.  I have hugs to dole out like candy at a parade.  I am steeping with love...to give.  I give it out through my many friends on facebook, and I enjoy making people laugh, and hopefully feel a bit better for my words to them.  But, of course, this is virtual.
     After I became single again, I was pretty content with being alone.  No one to answer to, but me and the needs of my son.  My time.  No justification as to where I went or what I did or didn't do.  No accusals of faking my illnesses.  I still feel these freedoms, but after three years of being alone, I need something.  A special someone.  Someone that I can count on to put there arms around me, and just hold on.  I'm still not looking for marriage.  I don't hold alot of faith in that piece of paper.  But, I admit it, I need someone.  I am strong, and I am a trooper, but even troopers have deputies......