The Place I Am

     I am in a bad place.  It has been decades since I felt that not being here would better than being.  I am there again, and it frightens me.  Not because I have any plans to extinguish myself, because I don't...thought about it, yes, plans to carry out, no.  I will not put my son through that.
     But, I am tired of fighting.  For the rent, the utilities, and food.  On paper my budget is flawless.  All of the formerly mentioned are covered.  School lunches are covered.  My one and only loan is covered.  With $14 left to spare at month's end.  It all looks so nice, typed in even rows.  But it only takes one out of the ordinary expense to throw it all off and turn my financial world upside down.
     As I've mentioned before, I don't  go to movies, or out to eat, or out to socialize.  I've scaled the grocery list back.  No more soda, rarely beer, no chips, no fruit or vegetables, no meat.  I do not go shopping for the sake of going shopping.  But there are things that must be purchased such as Basketball shoes, Football cleats, Workout shorts, ankle braces, knee braces, Activon.
     I get questioned about why my money doesn't pay for everything, when I am provided ample.  It angers me to the core.  Take into consideration, football games, basketball games, volleyball games (all ages)....school dances, class trips, school clothes, doctor visits, computer repair, the occasional pre-owned game, allowance...not sure if I even covered it all.  The "ample" keeps a roof over my son's head, and some food in his astronomical stomach.  And, as mentioned, if anything disrupts the delicate balance of the budget...even those things are not guaranteed at times.  
     So I feel like a failure.  Today's struggle--how to keep the electricity on and still be able to pay rent and get a gallon of milk--has weakened my faith system.  Why, if I believe God provides, am I faced with lights out on Thursday?  Why, when I pray from my deepest heart for friends and family who are hurting, are my own prayers of hurt and loneliness not answered? Jesus, while suffering on the cross, cried "Why have you forsaken me?"  I feel that now.  Have I run out of blessings?  Yes, I realize there are many blessings in my life, but in the place I am right now I am unable to grasp their goodness.
     To further intensify my anguish is the fact that I am doing it all ALONE.  Not even a companion to talk to, or curl up in their arms.  Sensory deprivation is a punishment used to torture information out of someone.  I've done nothing wrong' there is nothing to torture out of me--I've no government secrets.  Yet, because of financial reasons I am in my own sort of solitary confinement.  What I ache for the most is touch.  I've been single before, but I have never lacked for interaction, certainly not touch.  
    At this moment, I am angry.  The situation that put me here, angers me. The past three years anger me.  
     The place I am in is dark.  My son will not see how dark.  I will not let him see but a few tears.  I will fight and scratch my way out of this place alone.
     Please pray for me.  It appears God has had it with my prayers.