WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

     Since I last wrote, I find myself still struggling with a major depressive episode.  Depression is not new to me, but what set this round off, with the severity it has, confounds me.
     I have wondered before where the rent or utilities or groceries are coming from.  Unfortunate, but just a part of life now.  I have looked at my dirty kitchen floor and not been able to mop it, but it's mostly due to physical pain.  I've not showered for a day, but it's because I'm not going anywhere, so who'll know?  But, something is different now.  Instead of becoming crafty with the money I do have and making it work, my mind is shut down and overwhelmed.  The very thought of getting out the bucket and mop exhausts me.  And I know showering will wear me out, so why push it?  This level of depression has not blackened my doorstep for decades.  Thankfully, my son has been so busy with his friends, he's not been home to experience more than a few tears.
     As I was playing one of my games on Facebook, and dreading the next "click", a thought occurred to me.  And perhaps a darn good one.  I have not mourned.
     Since 1998 (I think) I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, thus slowly losing my ability to do many physical things I once took for granted.  In 2001 I broke my foot-had two surgeries on it, and laid my Dad to a well deserved rest.  In 2006 & 2007 I had each hip replaced, further limiting my mobility. In 2008 came divorce, death of three dear people and a beloved pet.  Near it's end, my Mother had a major stroke, initially rendering her unable to speak or use her right side.  She can now speak, but is confined to a Nursing Home for personal care reasons.  In 2009, mandatory sale of house to avoid foreclosure nearly did me in physically and emotionally.  Moving day was the most pain--aside from hip surgery and childbirth--that I've experienced.  To this day I can not drive through the "old neighborhood".  2010 rang in with hope as Mom's speech came back, and my finances seemed to be coming around.  Spring, however had other ideas, and I was forced to fix or repair $2000 worth of household goods in about 2 1/2 months.  I nearly lost the apartment.  The goodness of people made it possible to stay and slowly recover financially.  And then near the year's wind down, my Grandma--the rock of our family--passed away.
     I have cried many tears during these years.  But, I don't think I've mourned.  Mourned the active young woman that lived for the weekend to dance and party.  Mourned the loss of a parent, though not close to him, a gap in my life, nevertheless. Mourned the loss of a union, instead blaming myself for being ill.  I've never really mourned from my deepest soul the losses of my ex-Mother-In-Law, ex-Brother-in-Law, and my kids' beloved Papa.  I held my dying dachshund while my kids petted her a final farewell, but choked on my tears to be strong for them.  I can not mourn the loss of the house built especially for us because it brings feelings of failure, loss and disappointment. And Mom.  I haven't mourned the loss of Carol Cole, active moviegoer, shopaholic, and just plain nice lady.  Doing that means I must accept the mother that now greets me in a wheelchair, slumped and gnarled.  If I admit that I miss hearing her say "Is that you?" when I answer her calls, just to be kooky, I have to admit it can't happen anymore.  I've not mourned Grandma's passing other than to remember her in poetry, pictures, and stories.
     I have acknowledged all of these things.  Over and over. But I have not gone to my depths to release each thing; each person.  That frightens me.  I was told at a young age that everyone was worse off so I had no right to be sad.  As a result I became the family clown.  I've come to believe, as an adult, that although there are so many with worse problems...these are MINE.  I own them.  My heart and soul ache from them.
     The mind is a complex thing.  I wonder if, perhaps, it's forcing me to mourn now.  And as usual, I am fighting it.  The question is, do I let it run it's course and cleanse me, or do I put the jokes out on the table and see who laughs.

The Place I Am

     I am in a bad place.  It has been decades since I felt that not being here would better than being.  I am there again, and it frightens me.  Not because I have any plans to extinguish myself, because I don't...thought about it, yes, plans to carry out, no.  I will not put my son through that.
     But, I am tired of fighting.  For the rent, the utilities, and food.  On paper my budget is flawless.  All of the formerly mentioned are covered.  School lunches are covered.  My one and only loan is covered.  With $14 left to spare at month's end.  It all looks so nice, typed in even rows.  But it only takes one out of the ordinary expense to throw it all off and turn my financial world upside down.
     As I've mentioned before, I don't  go to movies, or out to eat, or out to socialize.  I've scaled the grocery list back.  No more soda, rarely beer, no chips, no fruit or vegetables, no meat.  I do not go shopping for the sake of going shopping.  But there are things that must be purchased such as Basketball shoes, Football cleats, Workout shorts, ankle braces, knee braces, Activon.
     I get questioned about why my money doesn't pay for everything, when I am provided ample.  It angers me to the core.  Take into consideration, football games, basketball games, volleyball games (all ages)....school dances, class trips, school clothes, doctor visits, computer repair, the occasional pre-owned game, allowance...not sure if I even covered it all.  The "ample" keeps a roof over my son's head, and some food in his astronomical stomach.  And, as mentioned, if anything disrupts the delicate balance of the budget...even those things are not guaranteed at times.  
     So I feel like a failure.  Today's struggle--how to keep the electricity on and still be able to pay rent and get a gallon of milk--has weakened my faith system.  Why, if I believe God provides, am I faced with lights out on Thursday?  Why, when I pray from my deepest heart for friends and family who are hurting, are my own prayers of hurt and loneliness not answered? Jesus, while suffering on the cross, cried "Why have you forsaken me?"  I feel that now.  Have I run out of blessings?  Yes, I realize there are many blessings in my life, but in the place I am right now I am unable to grasp their goodness.
     To further intensify my anguish is the fact that I am doing it all ALONE.  Not even a companion to talk to, or curl up in their arms.  Sensory deprivation is a punishment used to torture information out of someone.  I've done nothing wrong' there is nothing to torture out of me--I've no government secrets.  Yet, because of financial reasons I am in my own sort of solitary confinement.  What I ache for the most is touch.  I've been single before, but I have never lacked for interaction, certainly not touch.  
    At this moment, I am angry.  The situation that put me here, angers me. The past three years anger me.  
     The place I am in is dark.  My son will not see how dark.  I will not let him see but a few tears.  I will fight and scratch my way out of this place alone.
     Please pray for me.  It appears God has had it with my prayers.