Every week a new headline catches the attention of a nation ready to attack and judge the subject. Recently, a gorilla, a toddler, and a Mom were in the firing range. Everyone became a perfect parent, and an expert zookeeper. But, the most recent headline sparking debate, is tearing a hole through me, and I've discovered some troubling things.
I had no idea there was a "rape culture." I had to look it up. Such a thing, even after reading the definitions, seems implausible to me. A generation that doesn't recognize the definition of rape, or believe that it should be punished severely...that is one warped, hardened generation.
Nineteen-seventy-nine gave my rapist his 20+ minutes of action. With me, at least. I was naive, a virgin, and very, very drunk. Bad decisions are made while drunk...anyone that had been drunk has probably made at least one in their lives, thus far. My second bad decision (the first was getting that drunk) was taking a ride from an acquaintance who I saw frequently at the bars, and who seemed to be everyone's buddy. I thought, how bad can he be? I never made it to the party he was giving me the ride to. Instead, he pulled into an alley, and kissed me. Then, began pushing me against the bucket seat. As I tried to free myself, I somehow ended up pinned against the console, where he raked me across it, into the back seat. I vaguely remember him telling me to stop crying, but, I don't remember much until the end. This action had nothing to do with sex, but, with opportunity and conquering.
I wish I'd have known that. I lived with guilt and shame for years. I never reported it. I told only one person right after it happened, although my sister knew because she walked in on me getting dressed, and the bruises rendered her speechless. A year later, I told my Mom. She cried so much. She worked in the bank, and wondered how she would ever wait on him again. My already fractured self esteem crumbled to dust. I must mean nothing, if someone could take away something so personal, and toss me about like a rag doll. I made more bad decisions. And more.
After around six years, my doctor demanded I see a counselor. At that time, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. But, I learned a lot about what makes a rape, and what doesn't mean you "deserve it." That, I think has been the most troubling thing about the headlines...the lack of enlightenment men have regarding rape.
One hopelessly unenlightened man commented specific surroundings that made a rape a rape. Apparently, being assaulted behind garbage dumpsters didn't make the cut. Nor did 'in a car, in an alley'. The men joked about rape being "a forceful way to get your rocks off." I was getting...let's call it riled. I commented on rape being about power, not sex, and more mocking ensued. As my last response, I posted "Rape Myths", and was chastised for my site selection. It was wvu.edu. That's right, a university. What I found most interesting was that my comments were being "liked" by women. Lots of them. Men mocked. How did this happen? When did fathers stop teaching their sons that raising a hand to a woman is wrong?
Just for the record: Myth: Rape is caused by the perpetrator's uncontrollable sexual urge. Fact: Rape is an act of power and control, not sex. In addition, one of the biggest myths about rape is that it happens out of sexual desire..I will add, however, in the case of date rape, perhaps, it may start as sexual urge, but, should stop, no matter how excited a man is, if "no", or fighting back, or trying to escape the situation occurs.I know it's not easy, guys...even hurts, but, if you a real man, you know it's the right thing to do. If you are a man reading this, I beg you not to dismiss it. As someone that has lived through the he experience, been taught about the act, and supported others with the same story, I stand by this. One episode of CSI:SVU would tell you this!
I've not shared my story with many. Perhaps I should have, I suppose. One thing the media has gotten right is that the victim gets blamed before the perpetrator. It has to stop..
